There are times when I feel absolutely helpless. So often, I’ve wondered if there’s anyone on this entire planet with a definite answer to my longstanding question. Someone who truly understands my condition and carries a surefire cure in their satchel. Not even a search engine or AI can provide a definitive answer—just an endless list of conflicting responses that pull you further away from clarity. In truth, they are nothing more than fancy rooms of jurors, handing down different judgments guided by algorithms based on user inputs.

They say when you don’t have an answer, you should turn to God. But that subject is so vast that you risk losing yourself in its sheer enormity, let alone finding a 100% reliable solution. They tell you to keep praying, but the results might or might not come, and if they do, there’s no clear timeline for when. “Follow this path, and it will lead you there”—such vague promises are overstatements with no guarantees.

Well, things aren’t as simple as they used to be when you were a kid. Back then, 2+2 equaled 4, and even physics problems had definitive solutions. Now you are left to drift in a sea of ambiguity. The answer might exist, but there’s no lighthouse to guide you. You are left at the mercy of your own reasoning, and half the time, it leads you to a dead end.

I’ve been truly amazed by the undying conviction of the so called gurus and ascetics I’ve encountered, whether in person or online. They sell their ‘art’ with such ferocity that even the most skeptical might start to believe them. I have been duped more than four times by people who are busy mystifying ancient theories with zero pragmatism or practical application.

I do appreciate the reservations of the doctors, their willingness to admit that they don’t fully understand what’s going on either. That’s my only solace. That, and the fact that I can control one thing—my diet. Quitting food feels like the only aspect of life I can fully command. I’ve gone back to it now, hoping that some random shit might finally turn the tables.

Some say the secret is to ‘be happy’ but that’s easier said than done. You can’t sustain it 24×7. There’s always someone or something around the corner ready to mess with your mind. I mean you are a patient for crying out loud, and yet people don’t have the patience to deal with you. As if that weren’t enough, even your own thoughts and insecurities can push you closer to the edge.

I have been lugging this weight of uncertainty for so long that it’s become outright frustrating now. The vague answers, the endless trials and errors—none of them lead to resolution. The questions have piled up so high that giving up feels like the only viable option. Maybe I should just let time, life—this living, breathing entity—figure out what to do with me. Coz I am all spent now.