It’s a bizarre state where I find myself today. A rare shape of disquietude persists. Now that I think of it, it has been with me ever since I have been in this trance, like a zombie walking through chaos, doing everything that was being asked of me, obediently accepting tribulations as if they were some big part of life.

I have been walking on an unsteady thread of hope. Every step I take is a wrestle against despair. The fact that there comes no bona fide with the processes I have been on, clouds my judgment. I know an MRI is ahead in the cards but I am secretly hoping that I don’t have to go through all that over again. Everything that reminds me of a hospital feels like a nightmare.

Every twitch in the neck is a tête-à-tête with destiny. I often regress toward negativity whenever I sense the affliction. It can’t be helped. An avalanche of thoughts follows. A loose cannon ensues. It takes forever to pick myself up then. It is insane!

Then it takes everything to remind me of all the weapons I have. I remember all the good in my life then, that many have had far worse, that nothing is truly lost, and that I am still breathing. That’s the most important thing, right?

I remind myself of the life I am supposed to lead and all the things that I am supposed to do. The work can wait, of course, three months of my ordeal has slain urgency. But all the happy thoughts that I had envisaged need some hammering to reality. The future that I had dreamt of needs helming.

I see a lot of changes in me after having gone through hell. All very positive changes in terms of my sleep cycle, and my eating habits, with a big part of it hovering around me being conscious. Another good chunk is that I no longer push my body to the extreme. I tend to relax as much as I could.

Somewhere I truly believe – all that time that I had misread the warning signals that I would get in the form of repetitive numbers was nothing but a midlife crisis injunction that every 33-year-old ends up getting from the cosmos. I was being asked to keep my life in check, to correct it. I think my guardian angel was trying its best to stave off the impending accident that I ended up slamming head-on into.

Some things can’t be avoided I guess. I don’t blame an eye-opener at this stage of life. In fact, when I try to closely perceive it, I realize that only good things have emanated therefrom. What it did for me is to wake me up to the things that I wasn’t paying heed to.

So much life plays around us. Everything goes unnoticed because we are too busy working. Not taking time to realize their import in a wider sense of our existence – our place in the universe, the reasons that unite to breathe life into the inanimate, the colossal cosmic debt that we owe to our primordial roots, and how we are never grateful to our planet for everything that constitutes and forms the basis of our life.

I used to ask those questions a lot when I was young. I never really got my answers. Somewhere down the line, I let daft mundane thoughts override the most salient ones. I guess at some point in life, I stopped looking.